God Marnie, Stop Singing!

Are you obsessed with Girls? The only answers to that are either ‘yes,’ ‘I don’t get HBO and I cry my eyes out because I haven’t seen it yet,’ or ‘NO!! I totally don’t get irony, plus a show that passes the Bechdel Test that many times disagrees with my man’s view on the world” (K, that’s a BIT harsh, but like, basically the only three options). I’M COMPLETELY OBSESSED.

A lot of the flack I hear/read about the show is how self-centered and bitchy the girls are, even to each other. THAT’S THE POINT! That’s what makes TV, folks – drama. Remember that show where four nice girls lived in New York City and were all happily married with happy sex lives with their significant other and met a few times a week at the cute local coffee shop to discuss their career accomplishments and the amazing metaphors their husbands made about how beautiful they are? No. Because that show would SUCK.

Instead, we get a show of REAL. FLAWED. SELFISH. characters. I’m not saying EVERYTHING is so realistic – the amount of work Hannah does compared to the rent it would cost to have a 2 Bedroom in New York, plus throw weekly dinner parties for your friends is not at all accurate. But the feelings / the chat is golden.

I truly think Lena Dunham is amazing and is a spectacular writer. Also, stop insulting her looks. Seriously, her Vogue cover:

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And umm, hey Jezebel? STOP FREAKING ASKING FOR UN-PHOTOSHOPPED SHOTS. WHO will gain? Besides your wallet? WHO? It’s basically fat-shaming that you are thinly veiling as a fight against photoshop. Why weren’t you so obsessed with finding the untouched photos of Cate Blanchett just a month ago? Fighting photoshop is a shit alibi.

Anyway, so the natural process goes: Every girl who watches must decide which character they are! It’s the same as ‘Sex and the City,’ and maybe the reason I never could get into that show is that I really didn’t connect to any of those women. They were just annoying. So anyway, I just took a quiz online, and I guess I’m Shoshanna, which is good I guess. Could be worse. She is probably my favorite character to watch because her one-liners are amazing. “I just can’t stop thinking about Jessa, you know. Like, where is she? What is she wearing? Is it linen? What language is she speaking? Is she in a tropical climate or somewhere up high – Oh my God, is she warm enough??” “I may be deflowered, but I am not devalued.” Also, she brings cupcakes to an abortion clinic because when her sister was having a baby it took a really long time and she wished she had snacks.

Then, inevitably in a really bitchy way, you have to pick your least favorite. I don’t know why. But, if we have to, mine is Marnie. God, Marine.

Let’s be perfectly clear: I LOVE Allison Williams. She is classy. She is smart and she’s a great actress. I would totally be friends with Allison Williams. She got a cover this month too. It was also hot.

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I would totally pick Lena’s outfit over Allison’s, though.

So I would be friends with Allison. I would NEVER be friends with Marnie. She’s a terrible friend. She gets jealous that Hannah is picking up a friend from rehab instead of hanging out with her. She like, never interacts with Shosh who is my spirit animal, so whatever. But the worst thing Marnie does? She sings.

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It started small. She was singing at a Karaoke party Hannah and Elijah threw. Not a big deal – that’s proper party behavior. It does, however, prompt Elijah to tell her she looks gorgeous, like a “slutty Von Trapp” and then proceed to have sex with her behind Hannah’s back!! BAD FRIEND, MARNIE. Don’t try to seduce gay boys by having the voice of a Disney Princess.

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Then, we learn this isn’t just a party trick. This is her LIFE GOAL. When asked, what is it you want to do, the girl says SING. Still, not SO bad, except that every time Marnie DOES sing, it makes her a terrible person.

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Evidence A: That time she sung Kanye really slowly and poorly at the her ex-boyfriend’s company party. Do I even have to explain why that is a horrible thing to do Marnie?? Even Shosh feels awkward. You made SHOSHANNA awkward.

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Ugh. Then we get a bit of a break for a few episodes while she goes off on her own thing/dealing with her own emotions/being selfish again. UNTIL HER MUSIC VIDEO DROPS. It’s the worst thing ever.  I got down all the lyrics I could hear, and her song goes:

“I’m not aware of too many things / I know what I know if you know what I mean/ (Echo) Mean / Philosophy is the talk on the cereal box / Religion is the smile on a dog / I’m not aware of too many things / I know what I know do you know what I mean / D-do you?”

That’s the worst thing ever. And supposedly, Charlie posted it to YouTube as like, revenge Music Video? But she acts all shocked. Hint Marnie: Just don’t sing those stupid of lines in front of the camera. Don’t sing while wearing ugly pajamas and shaking your butt. Don’t do those things and then they can’t be posted online, k?

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But THE WORST? Like, JUST STOPPPPP moment? She throws a 25th birthday party for Hannah trying to prove they are still best friends, then Forces Hannah to come onstage with her to sing a duet from “Rent.” Even after Hannah said the LAST thing she wanted to do that night was sing “Rent.” And when Hannah even walks off stage, Marnie keeps singing. To Laird and the other three people that are still standing there. PUH-LEASE have some self respect, girl.

So like, if Marnie were my friend in real life, I would strap that girl down to a chair until she learns the appropriate time to sing. Unfortunately, according to this “Inside the Episode” with Lena, Marnie is going to keep singing. But PLEASE do it in appropriate settings. Otherwise, like I said, “God Marnie, Stop Singing!”

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